Before I had children, I swore that I would never be the parent who counted “one… two… three….” to make their children do anything. I saw too many children who waited until “three” to do what was requested of them, and I said that my children wouldn’t be like that. My children would listen the first time I asked them to do something.
Then I had children. Instead of counting to three, I found myself asking my two-year-old daughter four or five times to “please put your shoes on” or “please get your jammies out.” When I stopped and thought about what I was doing, I realized I was no different than the parent who counted to three. What I needed what firmer boundaries for my child.
Setting Healthy Boundaries
Parents need to establish good boundaries for their children, but too many rules cause just as many problems as no rules at al
l. Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, authors of Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life (Zondervan, 1992), provide this example: “Good parents have fun with toddlers who jump on the bed. Poor parents either quench their children’s desire by not allowing any jumping, or they set no limits and allow them to jump all over Mom and Dad’s orange juice and coffee.”
Parents can thus recognize appropriate childhood behaviours and set boundaries to allow for appropriate expression of those behaviours. This was encouraging news to me, as I have a very active toddler and I like giving her the freedom to explore. At the same time, I can explain to her that she can only do certain things if Mommy is around or set similar boundaries to ensure that she doesn’t get hurt while exploring.
The “No” Word
Part of setting boundaries also means allowing children to say “no.” Cloud and Townsend say that parents “need to help their child feel safe enough to say no, thereby encouraging his or her own boundaries. Though they certainly can’t make all the choices they’d like, young children should be able to have a no that is listened to.”
This, in turn, helps children learn to listen to other children or adults say no. Parents need to help their “child respect others’ boundaries.” My toddler sometimes comes up to me and wants me to put on my slippers or eat a snack she got for me, then gets mad when I refuse to do this. This is a good time for me to explain to her that it’s okay for people to say no. She can offer something to me or to another friend, but we might say no and she needs to accept that.
Kathy Lynn, Today’s Parent columnist and author, agrees, saying, “Kids need to understand from a young age that they are the owners of their bodies. If we want children to be able to say no, we have to give them permission to do this when they’re young” (Today’s Parent, December 2010, “Steps & Stages: Can I Give You a Hug?”). In her example, children should not be forced to hug or kiss a relative if they are uncomfortable doing this. She explains, “These gestures are choices people make based on their comfort level, and if a young child isn’t comfortable, then he shouldn’t be forced to do it.”
Setting appropriate and effective boundaries is a process that I’m just beginning with my toddler. Learning more about boundaries and how they work has given me hope that I might someday have a child who listens the first time I ask her to do something.
