Grandma will be grateful if her grandchildren remember to say “please” and “thank you,” proud if they remember to place their napkins in their laps at dinner, and absolutely thrilled if they respond willingly to their great grandparents. When we have taught basic manners to our young children, life is easier for all.
But when it comes to multigenerational gatherings, there is so much more. We can’t foresee all potential hazards. For example, I recently heard myself reciting this sudden new rule to my five-year-old just 30 seconds too late: Always ask Mom before scaring the hiccups out of someone who does not live in our house. We can, however, sure try to avert disaster with some basic pre teaching.
Interacting Politely
Consider who all will be at your family get-together, their temperaments and their physical capabilities. If your child is three or more, you can clue her in a bit on what to expect from her relatives. Just be careful of how you word things and how much information you give, as any child under 10 could suddenly repeat you at any inopportune moment!
Does Great Uncle Joe like to scare children by removing his glass eye? Please warn them! They need to be given acceptable options for how to respond to that. Those options may vary from complete avoidance of Great Uncle Joe to calmly gazing in a different direction and then walking away if he reaches for his face to “just don’t touch it. He’ll need to put it back in.” You know your children, so only you can give them options that are acceptable to both you and your kids.
Does Grandma use a cane? Children need to know ahead of time that it is Grandma’s and only Grandma’s. They may not walk off with it, or turn it upside down and use it as a microphone in their lip-syncing game. Yes, that is another rule I had to make on the spur of the moment. I liken it to the blankie. You don’t have to share your blankie, and Grandma does not have to share her cane.
Consideration for Others’ Safety and Property
Do your children know not to run when in a crowd? Especially in a crowded home with elderly relatives—or anyone elderly, running poses serious threats of grave, life-altering injuries. Will there be purses lying around? If your children are allowed to look in your purse, be sure they know that all others’ purses are completely off limits.
Table Manners
Dinnertime can be hard to navigate, and young children need to be guided by a parent through the process. Both pre-teaching and personal assistance are required with smaller kids.
Think it through ahead of time. How much does your child eat in a normal meal? Remember that he probably won’t eat nearly as much when in a crowd. There is too much activity, too many new people, sights and smells for him to focus on eating. Wasting food doesn’t make a great impression, but rather than cheering for the Clean Plate Club, try serving him very small amounts of just two or three very familiar foods. If that gets eaten, offer a little of something else. Being overwhelmed by the dinner plate can cause a child to quit before starting!
Will there be “funny” foods? Is your child prone to commenting on the unfamiliar or distasteful? Practice a polite, “No, thank you,” without any other information. It is not appetizing to hear that your four-year-old threw up the last time he had to eat coleslaw! It’s worse if it is your twelve-year-old saying it.
Teach Kids How to Deal With Difficult People
Is there someone who really does not like children, or tends to be easily offended, cranky or otherwise difficult? Children need to know how to deal with difficult people. Basic manners for older children include refusing to take the bait, at times. Role play with them so that they learn how to not get sucked in if someone else tries to create tension.
A very important lesson in life is how to extricate oneself from a bad situation, regardless of how one got there. Usually it is quite effective to look Uncle Joe in the eye—or both eyes, hopefully—and say, “I didn’t mean to be a problem to you. I’ll go find my mom and stay with her now. We can try again next time.” A response such as that, well-practiced, gives a child the dignity of remaining the polite person and of having authority over his own behavior and responses, and the safety of going to a parent to be shielded.
If the child cannot speak for him or herself, you must. Not everyone is capable of standing firm alone at the same age. I have literally had to tell someone that I will not allow her to require my child to behave better than she, the adult. Badgering is not something I will stand by and watch my child take undefended, especially by an adult. A very important lesson in manners is that manners are for everyone. We do not want to teach our children that only kids need to be polite.
