When Porn Addiction Pain Feels Off the Charts

I imagined myself sitting in the ER on a hospital bed, the pain chart readied in the doctor’s hand.

“How would you describe your pain on a scale from 1-10?”

I look at all the faces and there doesn’t seem to be one that matches the agony of porn addiction. How can one face hold all the emotions that encapsulate the feelings of abandonment, betrayal, hopelessness, and never being good enough? And how can you ever admit that you hold all these things in your heart when you’re wrapped in shame – yours and your husband’s? You’re so used to the façade, the face that’s supposed to register zero pain, the smiley one you know will be accepted. The one people expect. The one that shelters them from the onslaught of emotion that threatens to crack this hard exterior wall you’ve built. The one that shelters you and your husband from judgment. The one that keeps you functioning…or so it seems.

I had that same wall. I had intended to keep it intact. My husband was addicted to porn, but neither of us could get out from under the shame to start having honest conversations about it. Not really with ourselves, definitely not with others. It took until he was nearly driven to suicide, the weight of addiction and pain and shame nearly crushing him that I reached out. My façade crumbled out of necessity, the pain too much for us to bear alone. I called his parents. Craig went to counseling. And a few months later, I was successful in building back up my wall. I put on my smiley face. I pretended everything would be good now. Surely counseling would be the quick fix for this terrible problem.

But deep inside, I was so afraid.

What if this doesn’t work?

What if he’s never free?

What if it just gets worse?

But I had no one to talk to about my “what ifs” and it felt like my emotions were this basketball that kept bouncing hard against my wall. The dull, monotonous sound reverberated in my heart: Fear, Fear, Fear, Fear, Fear. Pretty soon, I started bouncing another ball off my wall. It sounded like this: Control, Control, Control, Control, Control.

The brave face takes so much energy to uphold and with two kids, I was having a hard time holding it up. The monotony of fear and control threatened my sanity and my head was ready to explode. I thought the answer to stopping all this madness was simply to find a cure for porn addiction. I believed if I could tear down his wall, mine would come down, too.

I tried to talk to him about his porn addiction, but because of the bouncing in my head of fear and control, because I wouldn’t lay down my own self-protection, my words sounded like nagging and parenting. I couldn’t find questions. All I had were demands.

You must not close the study door when you’re in there by yourself.

You must not erase the history without my consent.

You must take your hand off the mouse when I walk into the room so you cannot close the window.

You must read your Bible.

I figured if he could just fix himself, I could stop living in my self-made cage. I wouldn’t have to pretend things were good…they just would be. I would be free from the monotonous bouncing, free to live, free to be happy, free to love my husband, free to be secure in our relationship. His freedom from porn would be my ticket to freedom from emotions-held-hostage. Not only would my pain no longer register a 10+ on the scale, but I’d be able to wear the happy face genuinely. Could he please get on with it?

Oh, but God.

He had different plans, plans to set me free independently of setting Craig free. Plans that included coming to terms with my own disobedience, self-righteousness, and need to control most everything. Plans that helped me see my husband as more than a porn addict. Plans that helped me see myself as more than enough.

Good plans. Plans that come with hope and a future. Plans that were not self-made, but God-given.

But to embrace the good plan, I had to stop building and mending my wall. Because when I held my bad emotions hostage, I also held the good ones back, too. When I chose to hide my anger and fear, I chose also to hide genuine love and affection. For so long I held so much of myself back for fear of being judged when all along I was judging people, claiming they wouldn’t be there for us, love us, support us.

All those years, I judged wrongly. I held myself captive and the enemy rejoiced. He had managed with such ease to bring so much darkness into our marriage simply by teaching us the lie that it was better to keep quiet.

The shame of porn addiction breeds in darkness. It multiplies within the lies that we must keep secrets hidden, that if our true selves were to be revealed, we would be destroyed. But the truth is, darkness destroys. Shame destroys. Secrets destroy. And it is only when we bring our sin and shame to light that we release the chains. Because when we expose ourselves to light, we expose ourselves to Jesus.

I am the light of the world. If you follow me, you won’t have to walk in darkness, because you will have the light that leads to life. John 8:12, NLT

Jesus’ light can enter even the smallest cracks. It can enter in with one uttered syllable, one tear, one outreached hand. Light has the power to transform, but we must let it in. No matter how big the darkness, the light will always shine. It will always overcome. It will always make a difference.

The façade? It’s already crumbling. It’s too much work to uphold day in and day out. But you aren’t letting it fall to just anyone. You’re surrendering it to the Almighty God, who promises to uphold you, remain with you, and protect you. And He will surround you with people who are willing to help, who take your hands off the wall, and wrap them around your spouse, wrap them around yourself, wrap them around Jesus.

Let their arms enfold you.

Let the Great Healer heal the pain.

Let there be light.

*******************

If you another couple you know struggle with pornography and you’d like to hear more of our story, please check out our book, Pure Eyes, Clean Heart: A Couple’s  Journey to Freedom from Pornography. You can find more information here and here.

Jen Ferguson is passionate about Jesus, her husband, and her two girls. She is the facilitator of The Soli Deo Gloria Sisterhood and loves to encourage women to bring their true selves out into the light.  She is the co-author of Pure Eyes, Clean Heart: A Couple’s Journey to Freedom from Pornography.  You can find out more about the book by visiting their new site, www.PureEyesCleanHeart.com.

photo credit: Môsieur J. [version 9.1] via photopin cc {text added by Jen}

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