I was reminded of an old tradition with Courting Candles on the Homestead Survival Blog. The suitor would bring one of these candles with him to a young lady’s house and the parents would light the candle. Their approval of the young man, or comfort level with him, determined the length of the wick they allowed.
When the candle burned to the metal clip the flame was snuffed out. A not-so-subtle hint that you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here. It gave the parents a measure of control over who was seeking a relationship with their children.
A cool idea, in theory. But is it practical in today’s world?
Many of you would say no but here’s where I want to tell you the story about how Sidney and I had our first date. Because I grew up in a household where the family rule was, if anyone wants to take you out on a date he had to ask my dad’s permission first.
This served two main purposes in my mind (although I can’t speak for whether it’s what my parents had in mind):
1. It eliminated the jerks and cowards very quickly. I figured if a guy was too scardey-cat to ask my dad for a simple date he probably wouldn’t be someone I’d want to tie my life to long-term.
2. It gave me an easy out when a guy I REALLY wasn’t interested in asked me out. “Oh man! You gotta ask my dad!” “Hey Dad! If this guy named Nick calls? End it. Thanks, love you, Daddy!”
Even after you went to college? Yes, even after I went to college.
The pictures we had made after we got engaged.
Sidney and I met our sophomore year when he held the door open for me (more on that in my upcoming post Is Chivalry Dead Or Did Women Kill It) and although he’d met my parents, and even visited my house over Christmas break, our first real date was Valentine’s Day in February. You know a date that involved more than “Hey what time are you going to lunch? K, meet you there.” A REAL date. With reservations and dressing up and everything.
So he called my dad. I’m not one-hundred percent sure how that conversation went except that it ended with Dad having Sidney make reservations for FOUR at the nice eatery in McAlester. Yes you read that correct, folks. Four.
There was a little chit chat and small talk but at one point after Sidney asked, “So Mr. Bellisario, what exactly do you do?” My dad leaned over the table and said meaningfully, “I sell axes. And shovels.”
I was horrified, “Dad! I told you to be nice to this one!” (In hindsight that may have been what prompted his remark.) My dad was nonplussed though, “Now lets talk about you wanting to date my daughter?” Way to go dad….make me a nun for the rest of my life.
Thankfully Sidney’s interest in me was stronger than his fear of getting chopped into tiny pieces and buried in my backyard so he had a man-to-man talk with my dad about what dating me meant, and did NOT mean, while my mom smirkled and I prayed to God that I wouldn’t die of embarrassment.
They reached an understand, man-to-man I guess. All I know is that when it was all said and done I knew I’d found someone who was worth looking twice at. Sidney said it was definitely a first but he didn’t have any trouble talking to my parents if that’s what he needed to do. “I knew I’d found something special. I wasn’t playing around.”
Brave man. Then and now. 🙂
Turns out I’m not the only one with a strict family – and some of my readers even said they wished their parents had been more strict about who they dated and their involvement in the relationship. Now I know I’ve heard of situations where parents were too over-the-top, but I’ve heard of many, MANY more situations where teenagers made bad decisions that hurt them emotionally or physically and wished their parents had been looking out for them a little more.
Feedback from readers includes:
- Rules about parents being present whenever they were home (no home visits alone)
- Meeting the boy before a date, phone call, etc.
- Dates were primarily group outings or family outings
- No “dating” at all (a la Josh Harris’ I Kissed Dating Goodbye)
- Waiting until 16, or 18, before dating.
What do you think? Did you have rules for dating when you were growing up? Will you be involved with your children’s dating lives? What rules do you feel are reasonable and help protect your children?
I think this is great! And I think the guys that truly are after your heart, and not your undies, are going to be the ones that survive.
Was revisting this post today. I agree with you that this rule basically eliminated 90% of the guys I knew from my potential dating pool. But that 90% was all those too jerky or too cowardly – neither trait being a fabulous one in a potential life partner.
How your man handles stressful and difficult situations is DEFINITELY something to know before settling down and making babies. 🙂
Love this! What a wonderful and romantic beginning to a fabulous family!
What’s really hilarious is now that he has girls I always tease him – Surely you won’t torture the boys who are interested in Vivian and Brianna like my dad tortured you are you?
“You better believe it! Your dad was soft on me! I’m bringing out the big guns baby…literally!” 😉
hehehehehehe
Very funny, and very cute too. I love those photos! I have to say I miss some customs that are now considered old-fashioned, and I’m looking forward to your post about chivalry!!
We seriously still laugh about it to this day.
1. I had heard of courting candles, but I did not know that about the length of the wick!
2. That is hilarious about the axes comment! ROTFL
3. We courted. My folks hadn’t met my then-future hubby yet when he expressed interest, so I did actually have to direct him to my dad and give him contact information. But then he met with my dad. (Twice! Dad talked with him once, then went home and prayed about it, talked to Mom, etc. and met with him again a couple weeks later.) I wish my mom had been SLIGHTLY more relaxed about how our relationship was handled (Seriously, mom, we can’t go REGISTER for WEDDING gifts unaccompanied?!), but was/am totally on-board with the GENERAL process and intend to employ essentially the same thing to my daughters’ relationships when they get older.
I think that MOST rules in this arena are reasonable, as long as children understand what they are ahead of time, so they don’t feel like the rules are being changed/made up along the way to suit parents’ whims.
What a great point about knowing and understanding the rules ahead of time. I think that does make a big difference.
Angela,
Can we look at it from a young man’s perspective? What will you be teaching your sons about how to pick a girl to date?
We already begin those conversations – even from a young age. I’ll have to write some about the mindset we are instilling in our boys that they should choose wisely and pray for God to send them the right wife, etc.
Great post Angela! Thanks for sharing! You have a huge, beautiful family! God bless! I only wish this type of thing happened more often in today’s society.