It doesn’t seem possible to feel the way I feel with all the blessings that I have. The world’s best baby. Ever.
The most amazing husband and father for my children.
But here I am. On the verge of perpetual tears just behind the dam of smiling vivaciousness.
Crying at the sight of another nursing baby at the first conference I’ve attended sans baby or not-pregnant…which should be freeing for me, right?
I was explaining to someone what happened to me during my hospitalization and they were horrified – they had no idea it was so bad. But then I had no idea it was so bad until I talked to a physician friend and to my specialist after the fact.
When I checked into the hospital, my liver was in the process of shutting down and the severe pain I was in had been caused my gall bladder blockage causing damage to my pancreas. Two extremely important organs. The doctors didn’t think I could survive a gall bladder removal surgery in my condition, so they did a less-invasive temporary procedure to add a stint to help me heal so surgery would be possible.
Thankfully I responded quickly to their treatments and y’alls prayers and they were able to do the surgery, and release me, within a few days. Later my specialist told me he had never seen anyone as sick as I was heal so quickly. EVER. My physician friend said he has never seen a patient with the pancreas and liver complications I had be able to avoid time in the ICU. It was that bad. Something that is only now sinking in as the scars still cause me pain.
Daily. Pain.
During which time, I lost my milk and was forced to wean my precious daughter. It might seem silly. Insignificant. But it was a traumatic and stressful time for me that was forced on me against my will.
And it’s something I’m still struggling with.
And it’s something I’m only just realizing still hurts.
At conference last weekend I gleefully told a friend this was the first time I’d attended a conference without a nursing baby or pregnancy and planned to enjoy myself. Scant minutes later, I dissolved into tears when a friend’s nursing babe passed by me.
Scars that still hurt.
Reminders.
Pain.
I’m alive. And oh so grateful. But with that life came scars that haven’t fully healed. And may never. Scars that still hurt every day. Scars that I’ve never had to live with before.
I’m learning how.
I’m learning it isn’t easy.
The strength is still there. The smile is too. But the weakness is too. I’m learning how weak I am.
How these feelings I think I shouldn’t feel, I do feel. At least now I can be honest about them.
I hope that’s OK.
Jenn @therebelchick says
I’m sorry, honey. I can only imagine what you are going through and how you’re dealing with recovering from both the surgery and the emotional aspect. xoxo hugs!
AngEngland says
Thank you. I really do think the surgery impacted more than I realized at first because I immediately sunk back into the book with more fervor than ever.
Andrea (Lil-Kid-Things) says
Praying for you friend. I still feel this way almost a year after my ruptures with Calvin’s birth and having to stop nursing due to antibiotics at 10 months for an unrelated issue. I didn’t want any of it and it still hurts. On the other hand, I am so thankful that we are both alive so admitting to the hurt almost seems wrong. At any rate, you are a strong, radiant amazing mother and so brave for sharing your heart. You are not alone.
AngEngland says
Andrea – EXACTLY. I almost feel guilty saying anything because she is so amazing and I recovered so quickly compared to how bad it almost was….but I also didn’t ask for it and the scars are still there. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly.
Kristin says
Oh honey, the feelings you are experiencing are not only normal but they are to be expected. When something that is important to you (nursing your child) gets ripped away from you, it hurts like hell. It’s a small wonder you aren’t having more meltdowns. {{{Hugs}}}
AngEngland says
My meltdowns are thankfully few. But now that I’m not pushing these feelings aside with “business” I am feeling them more acutely.
Elizabeth says
Xoxo chicka! Love you! Not judging and can imagine! Hang in there!
AngEngland says
Thank you sweetie.
Cindy Reed says
Angela, sending so much love your way as you continue to heal and to grieve.
AngEngland says
Thanks, Cindy – there is definitely a grieving that goes along with this.
Laura (@chambanalaura) says
You have been through so very much in the last several months. It is perfectly ok and normal to feel the way you do. You wouldn’t be you if you weren’t honest with us and yourself. Sending hugs and wishes for the pain you are still feeling to dissipate. You are one of the reasons I ever thought it was possible to bring a baby – a nursing baby – to a conference. You are an inspiration.
AngEngland says
Thank you for sharing that about inspiring you to bring your sweet babe!! I’ve always enjoyed traveling with my little ones. I think I might not have realized how much i was missing that without TypeA happening when it did with her still little bitty. I’m glad you were able to bring yours….and so precious too. THOSE. EYES. **swoon**
Deborah Aldridge says
Sweetie, I will never forget how hard it was for me to be positive when you were going through that. My house looked like a pagan temple with all those candles burning! LOL Then there at one point, I actually even got down on my knees crying and begged God to let you live. People don’t understand that we, as writers and bloggers and moms, bond so tightly here online that we can almost feel each other’s pain. If I could choose a daughter, she would be a lot like you. Of course, she’d be a hippie pagan democrat, but otherwise…LOL!
I had to go to the hospital last week, not for anything serious, but I thought about all the friends that have had physical problems this year. It seems like it’s been a bad year, and I have to think it’s all the stress from the economy that’s making people sicker than usual.
I’m just so glad that all our prayers and exortations to whatever powers we believe in worked and brought you healing, because I’m just about to cry right now thinking of how scared I was…we all were…for you. xoxoxo
Kelly says
I think sometimes we throw ourselves into things to erase the pain or hide from it. I know you’re still healing, and you should not feel an ounce of guilt for having feelings and being emotional about a very rough time in your life and a bumpy transition. It’s ok. You need to let those feelings out so they won’t fester there forever.
As you know I went through a terribly quick weaning with my 2nd child and it took me a long, long time to move beyond that. After 10 years I can say I have healed, and in some ways it was a blessing since it allowed her to be much closer to her daddy.
AngEngland says
There is definitely areas of huge blessing through all of this…her easy transition to the bottle made it easier to bear for example. My quick healing physically for the most part is another example of my situation surpassing what any doctor would have predicted for an outcome. Thank you for your acceptance this weekend.
Tamara w says
Been there and those internal scars are still there over two years later. Where I’ve protected myself to never setup for the pain like that ever again. You brought me to tears because I don’t think you nor mom realized the pain I went through with Tony and Timmy being so young and feeling like I was starving my baby because my milk wouldn’t produce! At least I’m not crazy!! Love you
AngEngland says
So not crazy! It definitely is a feeling of loss I didn’t anticipate. In both put cases it was forced on us from outside happenings so I totally get it. ((hugs))
karisb says
Yep…understood.
You were both in survival mode.
You both did what you needed to do.
I think we walked through your pain, but in walking alongside….and fighting for your little precious family….I took on the mama bear, fight for what is right mode. Someone had to.
now, two years later….there is pain, but there is a family together that may not have been otherwise. For that I am so very, very thankful.
Love you bunches, more than you know, more than you will ever believe.
Just choose to believe
love mom
Lisa Frame says
I love you, Ang. It’s so hard being in the postion you’re in. Our cases were almost identical as far as our gallbladders and while that happened before I had Peanut, the emergency weaning I had to do when he was six months old left a hole in me. I had a lump that grew to a very large size in a few weeks. When my doctor found out what was happening, I had a mammogram in his office and he told me to wean starting right then.
I cried my eyes out, but did what I had to do. The sadness, and subsequent tears, of not being able to complete that cycle of my life was profound, but I’m so thankful I had that time with him.
karisb says
It is about time!
I have been waiting for THIS to hit you…for you to feel it, own it, acknowledge it.
Tried not to rush it, but KNEW it was there….and I am glad you are not stuffing it.
Love
mom
Nikki says
Oh, I had no idea when you told me that you planned on enjoying yourself what you were really feeling! But it is sooo hard, I know that for a fact. (Having been in a similar situation.) But you are NOT WEAK! You are soo strong Ang! To come out and tell us now how you feel, to smile through the pain while you were there and to keep moving on and healing for your family because baby V still needs you, a healthy mom.
This will take time and it might creep up on you again and again but it will be okay. You will be okay. I know you’re not weak, not in body or mind. And I am here whenever you need it.
Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting says
Oh, sweetie, I know how you were feeling, and I’m so sorry V and I made you hurt in any way. I completely understand where you’re coming from, my life wasn’t threatened like yours, but I had oral surgery that went awry back in ’04 that forced me to stop breastfeeding with my son. It really hurt, in the same way, that I wasn’t able to do for him as I did for his siblings. I’m here for you, sweetheart. xo
AngEngland says
So. Not. Your. Fault. 🙂 It was really hard this week as she was a little snuffly nosed and I couldn’t make it better like I wanted to!
thedoseofreality says
First of all, my hat is off to you for being brave and honest. Neither are easy, but both are necessary to help people.
Secondly, thank you for sharing this story, as I have no doubt that it will make someone somewhere feel less alone.
Bravo.
Finally, I am sorry.
AngEngland says
Thank you. I appreciate that.
Jessica @FoundtheMarbles says
Oh, sweetheart. Sending virtual hugs.
ConnieFoggles says
So sorry that you’ve been going through this. I knew when we were together that something was off. I feel awful that I said something hurtful during the dance party. I bit my tongue after and prayed that it didn’t affect you as much as it did me. Give in to those feelings and give yourself time to heal in whatever way feels right for you. Much love to you.
Tricia Edgar says
Sending you lots of love. With my first and only child came a big dose of serious chronic illness. I spent at least half a year grieving the loss of the “normal” mother I would have been. I understand. Thank you for talking about this.
Danielle Smith says
My friend – you are easily one of the strongest women I know. It was such a treasure to get to spend even a little time with you. I know this time has been a challenge. More than that, it has been hard – very hard – and you have handled it like a champion – maintaining a beautiful outside for everyone while you hurt on the inside. How you feel? It is perfectly ok. It is perfectly normal. You have been through so much – and it will take time before you feel like ‘you’ again. Give yourself permission to embrace just how you feel at any given time – up, down, silly, or sad. It is all just fine and I’m here no matter what. You are brave and beautiful, strong and just what your family needs. That is all that matters. Love you.
Charlene (Charlene Chronicles) says
I’m glad I saw your post but wasn’t ready to comment on it a couple weeks ago (without being a crying, babbling, mess.) Even though I don’t have the same experience as you, it’s similar in emotions so your post hit home. For me, it was a sudden diagnosis, a sudden start of labor, and a birth plan that went horribly wrong that resulted in my being under general anesthesia. It was so hard not being able to hear my daughter for the first time, and have a host of people hold her before I could. Scars, pain, sense of loss and anger. Because it happened so fast, I never got to process or prepare for that new reality. She was only born 3 weeks ago. But I know it will be something I have to live with for a lifetime. At least, I can find comfort that, while the stories may vary, we’re not alone and there are other supportive women who get it & are there for support. Thanks for posting & sharing.
Jessica says
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. It sounds like you have the right perspective, but you just need to give yourself some time to deal with the grief of not being able to breast feed. Your body has been through all kinds of shock between your organs shutting down and the pregnancy and birth. Give yourself a break! You don’t have to be happy and getting over this right away. Let yourself have all those feelings. A lot of women can’t breastfeed for other reasons….infections, depression medication, lack of milk. It’s unfortunate that you won’t have that experience with this child, but thank God we live in a time where there are great alternatives available in terms of formula. You will be okay. Thank you for sharing your story. Hugs!