It doesn’t seem possible to feel the way I feel with all the blessings that I have. The world’s best baby. Ever.
But here I am. On the verge of perpetual tears just behind the dam of smiling vivaciousness.
Crying at the sight of another nursing baby at the first conference I’ve attended sans baby or not-pregnant…which should be freeing for me, right?
I was explaining to someone what happened to me during my hospitalization and they were horrified – they had no idea it was so bad. But then I had no idea it was so bad until I talked to a physician friend and to my specialist after the fact.
When I checked into the hospital, my liver was in the process of shutting down and the severe pain I was in had been caused my gall bladder blockage causing damage to my pancreas. Two extremely important organs. The doctors didn’t think I could survive a gall bladder removal surgery in my condition, so they did a less-invasive temporary procedure to add a stint to help me heal so surgery would be possible.
Thankfully I responded quickly to their treatments and y’alls prayers and they were able to do the surgery, and release me, within a few days. Later my specialist told me he had never seen anyone as sick as I was heal so quickly. EVER. My physician friend said he has never seen a patient with the pancreas and liver complications I had be able to avoid time in the ICU. It was that bad. Something that is only now sinking in as the scars still cause me pain.
During which time, I lost my milk and was forced to wean my precious daughter. It might seem silly. Insignificant. But it was a traumatic and stressful time for me that was forced on me against my will.
And it’s something I’m still struggling with.
And it’s something I’m only just realizing still hurts.
At conference last weekend I gleefully told a friend this was the first time I’d attended a conference without a nursing baby or pregnancy and planned to enjoy myself. Scant minutes later, I dissolved into tears when a friend’s nursing babe passed by me.
Scars that still hurt.
I’m alive. And oh so grateful. But with that life came scars that haven’t fully healed. And may never. Scars that still hurt every day. Scars that I’ve never had to live with before.
I’m learning how.
I’m learning it isn’t easy.
The strength is still there. The smile is too. But the weakness is too. I’m learning how weak I am.
How these feelings I think I shouldn’t feel, I do feel. At least now I can be honest about them.
I hope that’s OK.