If you receive the Untrained Housewife newsletter, you know that there is a call for you to hit reply if you want to share what you’re struggling with right now. The struggles can range from an angry chicken to a recipe that fails time and time again – sometimes, it’s a deep personal struggle.
Not long ago, the Untrained Housewife community received a call for acceptance, for understanding, for reassurance.
“I am struggling with my attitudes right now about being a mom and doing household chores. I have lost the joy in being a stay at home mom. Some days I just want to get in the car and drive away. We are in a new area and I homeschool so I feel very secluded. I have no family around here either. I feel like I am in rut.” ~ struggling mom
Oh, struggling mom, can we all relate with you. It’s just that sometimes it’s hard to speak of our dark times without worrying about child services or others thinking negatively of us. When I mention that I contemplated suicide during my senior year of high school, I see the pity and sorrow in the eyes of whom I’m speaking to. When my husband reminds me of my PPD days, I feel the sorrow in my own eyes form even though it was years and years ago.
Depression is sad. It’s dark. It’s not where one wants to reside. Feeling alone and wanting to throw in the towel is expected. It’s like a heavy truck on soft ground — the more we push the gas pedal, the deeper and deeper we sink. {I’m not saying you are depressed; however, the sense of loneliness and retreat you describe is what I personally felt when I was depressed.} It’s all consuming and makes finding the light of our day a constant battle.
There are times when, as moms, we need to take a break. We need to slam on that gas pedal and just drive off into the sunset and be alone with our thoughts. However, there are things to think about and responsibilities — which I have come to call blessings — that need our presence.
“If I admit that SOMETIMES I would rather NOT be a mom does that make me a bad mother? a bad woman? No – it makes me human. But darn-it – sometimes I just want to go buy an ice cream when I feel like it without having to jump through twenty thousand hoops. But I can’t. So there.” – Angela England
While we all signed up for the hoop jumping the day we became pregnant, it doesn’t mean that we need to be unhappy or rut stuck. I’ve been there. A dark there. During my PPD days, I was so fed up with it all that I sat in the car staring at a large drop off in the road and wondering, “Would I be missed if I just drove over that?” I really was at the pivotal, throw-in-the-towel kind of moment, but then my child (yes, the boys were in the car with me) giggled.
That bright, cheery, toddler-pitched giggle was all it took to rip me from the sorrow and darkness. Laughter and joy spilled from his lips. Light twinkled in his eyes as tears streamed from my own. Lord, what was I thinking! To miss this moment really would be heart breaking.
I still have those brief moments where I excuse myself from the living room and shut the bedroom door behind me and yell into a pillow. Cry a few tears and pray to God to help calm my spirit. To calm my children and reset the stress levels within our walls. For the not-so-brief moments I take to my solace and vent it out in a manner that no hurtful words are thrown about. I feel refreshed, renewed, and ready to complete the day.
Practical Steps
“Be still, and know that I am God…” Psalm 46:10 (NIV)
As homeschooling parent, we have added stress on our plate. Not only are we responsible for the tending of the household, being an amazing wife and mother — but now the educational well-being of our children. While it is a tremendous blessing, it can also be a burden at times as well. Add to this the fact that you are in a new town it doesn’t make it any easier. So having lived in a “new” town for seven years and being a homeschooling family for just a year now, I’ll share what has helped us.
Make Local Friends
Firstly, find other mom friends. People you can meet at the park, indoor play areas, and *gasp* even plan some mom-only dinners once a month. Depending on the ages of your children, MOPS groups are a great place to start. It was my saving grace when we first moved here. Once a month, we had a dinner with a special speaker at the local church. I meet a number of moms that I still talk to this day, even though that particular MOPS group dissolved after a year.
You can use the MOPS site to search for local groups. If there happens to not be one locally, you can always start one or search on Facebook or Yahoo Groups for other mom groups in your area. Just do a search like “mommy group (name of town)” to find them in your local area.
The important thing here is to find other moms – childless woman will not understand your struggles the same way a mom will. It’s great having friends but even better having ones that can relate to your past, current, and future position.
Connect with Local Homeschoolers
Secondly, find other homeschooling families. Once the school year begins your “other mom friends” may or may not have children at home in order to schedule playdates with. Homeschooling families will be able to accompany you to local museums, parks, and events. This way you are still tending to the educational needs of your children but also tending to your own need for adult interaction.
Use your trusted internet to seek out local groups. Type in “homeschool (town name)” into Google, Bing, etc., and see what comes up. I did this when we first started homeschooling, and I praise the Lord I found a local group that has a weekly enrichment day and another group that has weekly park meetups.
In the rare case you are unable to find local homeschool groups, turn to the internet. There are a number of Facebook, Google+, and forum groups for homeschooling parents. These are safe zones where you can speak your mind and seek advice. There are also groups that meet via webcam for face-to-face interaction.
The important thing I’ve discovered is not to let the home in homeschooling take over. To get out of the house at least once a week even if it’s not to meet up with another family but just to break the hermit like habit.
Join a Local Church Community
Thirdly, find a community. This one may be the hardest. While I personally have found many online communities that I love, adore, and find comfort in, it has been a long process of finding a real life, local community to call my own. I think I’ve found it. It’s a super small church near us where our boys attended their Vacation Bible School over the past years. We attended the church service for the fist time this past Sunday. We were welcomed with open arms. I felt like I belonged for the first time.
If needed, go church hopping. Find those that align with your beliefs and try them out. From experience, I recommend going at least three times before you make your Yes or No decision. Look for churches that have “small groups” that meet during the week for a deeper connection. We use to go to one, and it was really wonderful as the children played in another area of the host’s home as the adults had a Bible study and fellowship.
This third step to finding local community connections, I feel, is going to be the most important for you. You will have a trusted source to reach out to for babysitters so you and your husband can have dates and tend to your marriage. You will have a safe place to go when feeling thirst and in need of replenishing words.
Lastly, you are not the first and certainly will not be the last mom to feel like they are stuck in a never ending rut. Find comfort in knowing you aren’t alone, and while your personal struggle is unique to you, there are open arms and reassuring words of advice out there to help you through this time.
Find Your Solace
I’ve gone through it all – support groups, counseling, and even prescription drugs to help me through my ruttiest of times. None of it really worked. I had to find my own solace – my own safe place. For me, it’s taking it to paper. I have a journal I write in almost on a regular basis, but I have noticed over time that my spree of entries were often when I was dealing with an issue and trying to hash things out internally. I write everything there. My prayers, my hopes, my dreams and even Bible verses that are speaking to me at that time. I immerse myself in Scriptures about hope and peace.
It’s comforting to go back through it and see the blessings months later that came from these writings. Sure, I could mentally process it all, but having it documented shows what I prayed for at a certain time and how it wasn’t answered immediately but in almost every case so far doors have been opened. Friendships have been developed. Prayers have been answered.
This Too Shall Pass
It’s our struggles that make us stronger and better. I tried to commit suicide in high school and then struggled with severe PPD, but now I can speak from honest and brutal experience as I HAVE walked in the shoes. We never know why we are given trials at the time (sometimes it’s even years before the light bulb goes on), but be patient, as this time in your life may be the been-there-done-that encouraging words another mom may need in the future.
So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. – 1 Corinthians 10:12-13 (NIV)
Resources for the Struggling Mom
Resource Books & Sites
- Untrained Housewife – Family
- Hope for the Weary Mom
- Proverbs 31 Wife Handbook
- Untrained Housewife Guides
Helpful Informational Posts
- Get Your Kids to Do Chores without Threats, Bribes or Rewards
- How to Keep a Clean House and Homeschool too
Online Communities
- Untrained Housewife G+ Community
- Untrained Housewife Facebook Community
- The MOB Society Facebook Community
- MODsquad Facebook Community
Thank you.
Been there done that, I even burned the T-shirt so I every once in a while I grab a new one. Motherhood is at one time the most and least rewarding position a woman can hold. We all struggle with the feelings of inadequacy, it is finding the an outlet and an understanding shoulder and ear that can truly help.
We feel alone, terrified and lost. What we need to do is step away, let out a primal scream and seek out each other. I do try to encourage all women to find sisterhood. This is something we have come to lack in “modern” times however, badly we really need it. Finding a group of women to sit with and learn or practice a craft with or share thoughts on a good book or anything place you can go for fellowship helps tremendously.
Regardless of whether you are a parent or just a woman we need sisterhood, we need other women to share our lives with. The one advantage we have over women 50 years ago, 100 years ago is the internet so even if we can’t get out and about we still have access to some awesome women!
I often think how fun it would be to return to the “quilting circle” mentality. I’ve been getting together with my mother-in-law to can a little this year and it’s helpful. One of our writers recently shared about how she’s starting a food swap group in her area, and I know some communities are starting canning clubs/canning groups. So smart! You can get a lot of help that way AND just enjoy some time with other women.
Great point about the internet helping make that possible even if not in person all the time.
Being a mom is crazy hard. No matter how much we read about it or plan for it, nothing prepares us for the amount of “giving up” we must do of our own lives and freedoms. It’s hard — especially in the first couple of years — to find ourselves and see that we are still who we once were (except, now, we’re better!).
Finding friends in the same boat is key. And finding time for ourselves is another big thing. I do find that the hardest. I put everyone’s needs before my own, and eventually I explode. But even just a trip to the store for 30 minutes alone can help me feel human again.
I can relate to the reader’s question and to Alaina’s response. I have suffered from depression and anxiety in one form or another for most of my life, but there has been no greater shame and misery than the horror that is postpartum depression – or frankly, any depression a mom feels because we take it one step further and instead of trying to figure out how to self care, we chastise ourselves for not loving every single second of listening to a colicky baby cry or a toddler throw a tantrum.
And I to have been a stranger in a new land, in fact each time I gave birth we found ourselves in a new city and I was alone. Not the kind of alone that moms daydream about – the few minutes of quiet to read or write or stare at the wall – but the kind of alone that reminds you of the winter scenes from The Shining, the kind of alone that makes you start to wonder if what you are thinking is right, wrong, fact or fiction because you don’t have another adult to communicate with.
I agree that making a connection in your new area is step number one (unless like Alaina mentioned, you are seriously depressed, then step one is seek the advice of a dr). I have found luck before at the local library. They offer so many kids’ programs for free and you will start to see familiar faces after only a short time. I also joined a Multiples group after my twins were born – but any Mom’s group would be a life line. And meditation. I know that seems like a stretch – how can we fit that in? But even if I do my meditation right before bed, and maybe I fall asleep while doing it (I don’t – thank you insomnia) – it’s still worth it to provide some stillness in your mind. Best of luck to you and no matter what, know that you are never truly alone because I can guarantee you, every mother in the world has experienced similar feelings.
Eyes on Yah… I know that far too many times while my kids were growing up, I wanted to just walk off into the sunset. It got so bad, my kids could see it coming. They knew they’d better be ready – coat, hat, walking shoes, whatever they needed for the most extreme bug-out trip. Because they never knew what I’d do. On those days, they knew they’d better have had chores and homework done, because if there were any extra treats they wanted to be in on it. When they got older, they would try to give me opportunities to do this on my own. As long as it was approved… O.o but they have children of their own now, and understand the necessity of cool-down time. Take that time. With the children, and without. Always with the Father. A trip to the park, up a little earlier for coffee and reading, a walk around the block… whatever. Re-boot, air out your head, get yourself together. One of my children said once, “mom. You’ve got to take better care of yourself. If you don’t, who will take care of us?” She was seven. The impact of that statement was phenomenal.
Praise Yah, they’re a blessing. 🙂
Beautifully written. Sometimes we feel our most alone when we refuse to be honest–with ourselves or others. For those of us who have read this…all in different cities, different lifestyles, different personality, patterns, responsibilities…we are all now in a community that UNDERSTANDS because someone was honest.
Thank you for sharing.
–Chaya
Chaya,
That was one of my biggest issues when I became a mom. I had heard all the fluffy stories. I was never told the itchy parts that no one really wanted to talk about. Those were the things about motherhood the caught me off guard. Set me back. Now four kids into this thing called being a mommy I don’t hold back. When people ask about childbirth – I’m an open book. When they ask about the toddler stage – again open book. When they ask would I do it all again – as long as I can take said book with me!!!
Alaina