It’s sad to say, but it really feels very true. Ask any mother who’s been subjected to this form of – dare I call it such – discrimination. Babies are the last socially acceptable class of citizens in America that it’s OK to discriminate against. After all, they shouldn’t get hungry in public. Ever. Especially if their mother is the type who wants to, or has to breastfeed.
Can you imagine using the following excuses about a black man?
- “My children shouldn’t have to see a man with dark skin while out shopping. Or eating their dinner at Applebees(Denny’s/Mc Donald’s/Olive Garden/etc). I mean, that’s just nasty.”
- Or how about this one – a personal favorite. “Why can’t he just go eat/shop/rent a movie/etc in the bathroom if he wants to – you know – be black out in public?“
- Or another great ‘here’s-your-sign’ statement: “I don’t mind him being black, as long as it isn’t showing. He should cover up if he wants to be black in public.”
Seriously. How quickly would comments like this get you (rightfully) fired, laughed at or punched? But pick on a innocent baby and suddenly it’s ok. Suddenly every. single. one. of those statements is coming out of the mouths of supposedly educated adults with hardly a blink.
This post is being written in response to the the recent incident about a nursing mother who was forced to leave Target. The comments and response has been interesting. Do any of the commenters realize that the issue is not whether anyone saw any booby, whether she COULD HAVE gone to the restroom or the car (in December Michigan weather) or whether anyone “complained”. The issue is SHE WAS IN THE RIGHT AND THE INITIAL CONTACT FROM THE SECURITY GUARD WAS ILLEGAL.
And let’s call it what it was. DISCRIMINATION. The ONLY reason there was even an issue in the first place is because that baby was breastfeeding. Period. And THAT is discrimination.
And until it is treated legally as such, we will continue to see innocents suffer when their mothers are shamed, hassled and treated as second-class citizens for doing best by their babies.
Now you may laugh and say – come on, Angela, you are exaggerating. But I’m telling you – anyone who has, like me, been the victim of this type of discrimination it is EXACTLY the same.
No one would gossip about my husband to find out how to prevent him from attending church events with his Hispanic-ness. Or quickly enact an entire church policy to “nip this in the bud” lest we offend someone who is racist. Yet all of these things, and more, was done to protect people from knowing that my 6 day old baby ate food. Go figure. You can read my written response to their discrimination here. Incidentally, despite their illegal policy and unethical behavior, my husband and I never received ANY response, never mind an apology.
Like I said – it’s still socially-acceptable to discriminate in this way.
And I wonder what it will take to change this? How can a mother with a nursing infant be expected to go to Rosa Park extremes to raise awareness of the desperate need? What will finally get the attention of the general public and sway public opinion I wonder? I have no answers here – only questions.
Thoughts?
I don't know, I throw my hands up in exasperation every time I read a story like this. It never ends, either. It's bad enough that the average jerk on the street might harass a nursing mom, but there is no reason for this to still be happening inside of businesses in 2010. Corporations can do a few really simple things to prevent this sort of harassment (and should look to the Chicago Children's Museum to see how it's done). A simple sign hanging in the store to let patrons know breastfeeding is welcome, a paragraph in an employee handbook explaining the company's support of nursing mothers and a little bit of training for managers/security guards for the times when someone inevitably complains. Companies need to be proactive. I am sick of hearing this same story over and over again.
I don't know, I throw my hands up in exasperation every time I read a story like this. It never ends, either. It's bad enough that the average jerk on the street might harass a nursing mom, but there is no reason for this to still be happening inside of businesses in 2010. Corporations can do a few really simple things to prevent this sort of harassment (and should look to the Chicago Children's Museum to see how it's done). A simple sign hanging in the store to let patrons know breastfeeding is welcome, a paragraph in an employee handbook explaining the company's support of nursing mothers and a little bit of training for managers/security guards for the times when someone inevitably complains. Companies need to be proactive. I am sick of hearing this same story over and over again.
I am a huge supporter of breastfeeding, and think anybody ought to be able to breastfeed wherever they please, but I don't think its so surprising that some people would have a problem with public breastfeeding in the middle of Walmart.
Our culture believes that public nakedness is not OK. Breastfeeding entails the exposure of something that, in general, is not allowed to be exposed in public. Of course its for a good reason, but its still breaking a social taboo.
Over time, this will probably change, but it will take awhile.
I agree that it is discrimination. I agree that it is unacceptable. I agree that it is still too accepted.
However, I don't think it is the only socially acceptable form of discrimination. I still see transgendered people openly discriminated against. I see children openly discriminated against (not just babies, but kids being kids). I see obese people discriminated against.
I don't live in America. I live in Canada and here the rights of breastfeeding mothers and breastfed babies are protected by human rights legislation, so discrimination is not allowed. It doesn't mean that it doesn't exist, but it does mean that we have legal recourse.
Elita – I'm sure as more mothers speak out against it, and support companies doing well, we will see changes. Thanks for pointing out the Chicago Children's Museum – Kudos to them!
Nicholas – I *would* agree with you except that between 90-95% of the cases I am personally familiar with (as in spoken with the mother who was nursing at the time of the discrimination), including my own case, they were completely covered and no breast was visible. In fact, in my case one other attendee that same day wore a skirt so short I could tell her underwear matched her fingernails from across the room, while my son nursed under a cover. So the "modesty" excuse doesn't hold much weight with me. It SOUNDS reasonable, but in actual practice it has absolutely no bearing on the amount of discrimination that takes place.
I only wish it were so simple!
Angela <><
Annie – Good point about obesity. That is probably another w/no legal resource in the States. Transgender would be at least covered by hate speech laws whereas there is no "punishment" for harrassing a nursing mother.
Perhaps I'm more sensitive to this issue since it hits so close to home for me. 😉
Angela <><
OK I've been mulling this over with a friend and I hope she comes and posts here more from our conversation.
Definitely not the only form of discrimination that takes place in America – or the world. But here was my mental reasoning.
Suppose a patron calls over a restaurant manager and says to him "Can you ask that fat lady to leave and go eat in the bathroom? She's grossing me out?" What would the manager do? Ask the woman to leave? NEVER!
Or "Can you ask that Hispanic man to leave? They bother me and I'm trying to eat." What would the manager do? NOTHING.
Or "Is that couple gay? Can you ask them to go to the car if they want to eat together – my kids shouldn't have to see them sitting beside eachother like that." What would the manager do? NOTHING.
But if it's a nursing woman – well – there is an unforunately high likelihood something will be said to her. That is unacceptable.
All discrimination is unacceptable and my post was not designed to in any way negate the suffering that others may experience from being outside of the norm. However – it feels even worse to turn it against someone 1-not covered under hate speech or civil rights discrimination laws who 2-is too small to defend himself.
At least a grown man can speak out on his own behalf. An infant cannot – we must all be willing to speak up FOR them!
Angela <><
My first thought was that obesity is also described as the last socially acceptable demographic to discriminate against (I've been reading a bunch of adipositivity blogs recently).
Thinking about it further, I think there are a lot of parallels between fatphobia and BFing discrimination. At heart, don't they both rest on the mindset that flesh is only acceptable if it's being successfully used to sexually attract men? A lot of anti-BFing rhetoric comes from people who are perfectly happy to see sexualised near-naked breasts, even those showing far more inches of flesh than most breastfeeding breasts. But as soon as breasts become Not About That, they miraculously become gross, perverse, disgusting and "I don't want to see that".
Same with obesity. A slender person in a bikini? Fine; laudable, even. A 300lb person? The comments start to roll in. Gross, perverse, disgusting and "I don't want to see that". Why? Because as many (most?) guys don't find obesity sexually attractive, that person's body again becomes Not About That. And therefore it's unacceptable.
Even the odd "pro-breastfeeding" comment reveals that bias – you know, the sniggery "More women should BF because I like breasts!"-type comments. Because of course that kind of commenter is thinking of perky, full, porn star breasts – not the droopy, saggy, old, normal breasts many of us BFing mothers have. What's the odds that such a "lactivist" would change his tune when he realised most BFing isn't the erotic Playboy experience he hopes?
I don't think the instances where people are discriminated against are always the same, but there is discrimination of different groups nonetheless.
So a breastfeeding baby may be asked to leave a restaurant and an obese woman would be laughed out of certain clothing stores. A breastfeeding mom may be asked to cover up on an airplane and an obese woman may be made to pay for two seats. So the type of discrimination is different, but it still exists for different types of groups.
I think you are spot on! I wish people would 1) realize what they're really saying and 2) grow up. I wish I knew what the answer was, but I believe that having these conversations is at least a step in the right direction.
Seriously, Breastfeeding in public is a behavior and a choice. Being black, fat, Hispanic, or gay is completely different. You can't schedule your meal or shopping trip around being black or being fat. You can schedule your meal or trip to the market around your baby's meal if you have respect for your fellow citizen.
It's not oppression to ask someone to have a certain level of decorum in public. Sure, most people these days have no class, but conservative mothers shouldn't join the crowd by mistaking motherhood for a reason to get back at all the other idiots who have no taste.
Your "Right" isn't as important as your "Respect" for others.
You go to the local kids & mom clothes store and find the need to breastfeed because it takes 2 hrs to shop while carting around a newborn, that makes sense and probably doesn't get a 2nd look. You go to Home Depot or Wal-Mart to pick up some new flooring or an LCD TV and happen to need to breastfeed because you didn't think about your baby's needs before you went to the store, then society isn't the one discriminating.
There is a time and place for everything, and Best Buy's DVD section is not the place to breastfeed. I often wonder when exactly people thought they could stop taking personal responsibility for their actions. Having a kid isn't easy. It takes two loving, committed parents to properly care for and raise one. Some guys aren't understanding enough of their wives difficulties, especially those first 18 months, and that is unfortunate. Still, if my wife came to me asking that I complain to a store manager cuz she wasn't allowed to breastfeed in the meat aisle while she decided between pork chops or chicken… I'd tell her to plan a little better next time.
Okay, tell me how ignorant I am. A woman's best argument starts with "you couldn't possibly understand", which is usually when I respond by pointing out the same argument applies to you when I use logic 🙂
(kidding.. please, ladies, don't hurt me… permanently…)
Firstly: You have yet to make the case that breastfeeding is, as you imply, indecorous. "Some people are offended by it" doesn't imply indecorous behavior. You claim logic? Complete the syllogism.
Secondly: No, being fat is not generally a choice, being largely determined by genetics. Wearing a bikini, however, is a choice: hence the analogy in my post applies. Should a fat person organise her wardrobe around the fact that some people might be offended/disgusted by her body? Say, only wearing a bikini in her backyard or on a private beach?
Thirdly: Nursing on demand, which is physiologically and psychologically best for babies, means nursing whenever the baby's hungry (or in need of comfort). These things can't be predicted. A baby can be fine in the car, and hungry five minutes later in the store. Even if a mother offered the breast to the baby in the car before going into every store (and what a pain!), she couldn't guarantee the baby wouldn't feel hungry or distressed two minutes later and want a topup. Yes, some babies eat on a predictable four-hour schedule. Not all babies. Not, in my experience, most babies. And babies don't understand the concept of "Wait ten minutes to get home". They're basically ids covered in squish: they have to be, for survival. So your wife-in-the-meat-aisle scenario could end two ways: with a happy, fed baby or with a screaming baby and consequently stressed wife. You have yet to provide an argument for why the latter is a necessary option. Why would breastfeeding her baby, an act which has nothing to do with anyone except the baby and herself, be considered disrespectful to others – to the point that you'd pshaw illegal discrimination directed at her?
This is not by far the "last stronghold of discrimination". Of course, it's an important issue and discrimination is never right, but try being a crip or a transgender person for example and you'll learn what discrimination really is.
you gotta love that we can parade half naked people around in tv/print ads but, oh no!, a woman cannot breastfeed in public no matter how discreet she is – our society has some messed up ideals for sure!
angela, it's jenn (i have the neverjustahousewife blog) – i checked out your untrained housewife blog – looks new 🙂 i would love to guest post sometime and want to extend the same invitation to you – it would be fun to collaborate on some things!
Angela, I too am outraged by this sort of discrimination. But I don’t know that even legislation would remedy the problem.
I believe these sorts of situations are but a symptom of a cult of death which is prevalent in society today. How can one possibly expect that babies’ rights to nurse would be respected when in much of the world they do not even have a right to life?
When women can pick and choose whatever they fancy to do with their bodies, including playing at procreation, with no natural consequences. And on the other hand, when completely outside of the realm of natural order, even men and 60-something-year-old women can *choose* to bear children via all manner of medical and technological chicanery; how, indeed, can we expect that babies be accorded any sort of respect at all?
It has come to this: Children are a “choice” – nothing more, nothing less. They are a *thing* that we can choose or not choose with absolutely no consequences, and the means by which we choose are moot. They have become no more than a car, a house, a pet.
When a mother-of-two or more visits her OB/GYN for her first prenatal visit and her even her doctor says to her, “You know, we know what causes this [pregnancy] now…” you must agree that these are very sad days.
"For, behold, the days are coming, in the which they shall say, Blessed are the barren, and the wombs that never bore, and the breasts which never gave suck." (Luke 23:29)
"And woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days!" (Mattew 24:19)
I think these sad days have arrived.
Thank you Angela, this conversation is very interesting and necessary. Breastfeeding mothers ARE marginalized in this country. I am so glad there is protective legislation in most states because we NEED it.
I have read several comments in similar blogs that say a mother who breastfeeds in public without covering her infant with a blanket is SELFISH and disrespectful of the people around her. (Particularly in the American Southern states.) I thought and thought, why would someone think that providing for an infant's needs is selfish? I think that maybe many people view an infant as an extension of the mother, not as an individual person. Baby's needs are closely tied to mother's wants, apparently. A mother's breasts are erotic and sexual, she's using them in front of me, I'm confused and disgusted. Sigh. The way I see it, to deny your baby's urgent needs in deference of some stranger's prejudice is to give in to oppression, and is certainly not to be considered "polite" nor "respectful".
I think it's judgemental & unfair for someone to make an assumption that a mother didn't consider her baby's needs before leaving home to go to the store. Breastfeeding is DIFFERENT than formula feeding. Formula sits in a baby's tummy longer, therefore the feeds are scheduled. Breastfed babies should not be kept on a schedule because milk is so easily digested and babies are meant to be nursed frequently. It should be very simple, but it's not, because formula culture is thrust upon breastfeeding mothers.
That being said, I have nursed my babies everywhere. Baby in a sling at the grocery store while in line waiting to pay. At restaurants, at Walmart, at Target, at the park, at church, on airplanes, at concerts. My efforts to maintain modesty are great. I have accidentally flashed nipple on occasions, and yes it was embarrassing for me and whoever had been looking at the time. But it wasn't the end of the world; thankfully, those "witnesses" were very understanding and empathetic people. I didn't get arrested for indecent exposure. I don't expect people to divert their eyes from my baby and me. All I can hope for is to continue to enjoy nursing my baby without catching heat for it! I will say it out loud: I enjoy nursing my babies. I am not ashamed. I'll continue nursing, modestly while in public. Heck, I'm nursing RIGHT NOW!!
I brought my children to Applebees for dinner last year. I asked the young hostess for a booth so I would feel more comfortable nursing my baby. She politely excused herself, came back after a moment, enthusiastically said, "I asked my manager, and he said you can nurse your baby wherever you want in our restaurant!" It was really very cute, how proud this 16 year old kid was of her restaurant's policy!
I was outside a cracker barrel restaurant, nursing my toddler on one of those rockers as my husband sat at the table waiting for our food. It was very pleasant for a while. A nice man dressed in biker leather walked past, and commented, "He knows what's good for him, doesn't he?" and I said "yep! he sure does!" I mean, how cool is that? How come more people can't just be nice and open? Then, not even 2 minutes later, a woman came by. She gave me a strange look, stopped right in front of us, and lit up a cigarette. Blew smoke right in our direction. You know what, that woman probably WORKS SOMEWHERE. Who knows…Maybe at Target!
BTW, excellent response to your church and pastor.
I think it was well written and obviously came from a place of love and devotion for both God and your family.
If the position you take in your letter does not change the church's policy, nothing will.
How sad for you. I know this has been a difficult decision for your family and that you will miss the church family you have come to deeply know and love.
@Stephen B
You actually cannot schedule a breastfed infant's feedings like that. If you don't believe me, look it up.
And perhaps you are right that breastfeeding is a behavior (although not really a choice…since it is default and normal behavior for humans, the second thing a baby does after breathe if it is allowed to do so) and therefor not the same as "being black".
How about interracial couples, then? They CHOOSE to date, no? They could just show more discretion, huh? So as not to offend bigots?
Does that analogy work better for you?
I missed this while I was at Disney on vacation…where I would have gladly breastfed my infants anywhere were they still nursing and not talking back to me at the speed of light like three and five year olds do…but I digress.
I actually count nursing in Target as one of my most public nursing experiences, and I'm happy to report that no one gave me so much as a nasty look about it. I was most likely there to buy diapers, and like any trip to Target when Noah was an infant, it involved needing to nurse. I definitely have nursed in the car – most likely to keep my then 2.5 year old daughter entertained with her books, toys, and music – but that particular day Noah was hungry at the same time as his sister, so I nursed him in the food court. In Target. In public. I usually carried a receiving blanket for such instances, so I'm sure I covered him somewhat, but I certainly never hid in bathrooms with him or used one of those new-fangled tent things. I was always more concerned about drawing attention to myself with contraptions than I was about exposing myself.
I'm afraid that in America this sort of thing will occur forever because we are a nation of strong-willed, different-minded people. I guess the best we can do is keep making noise when these discriminations occur…
Great post!
Thanks for finding me so I could find you! Well put. aS you know I likened a nursing mom being asked to cover up to a fat person being asked to cover up. Discrimination is discrimination. People just think they can get away with it when the person is a baby.
Hello Angela – I'm so glad google picked this article up and tossed it my way this week. Reading your superb letter to your congregation was a treat. I wish I could be half as eloquent as you were there.
I think that people can agree that there are a lot of "last strongholds of discrimination" when we think about it. I get uncomfortable when people start ranking discrimination though since it feels a lot like oppression olympics to me.
By the way…
I thought Smokering did a great job of addressing the logical fallacies of Steven B's comment. I find it really discouraging at times that we are dealing with the illogical idea that feeding a baby is some kind of "respect" issue and then we get a side of misogyny to close. It makes me tired and I really haven't found my feet when dealing with it because it feels like a derail to address it.
Adding you to my reader! =)
There is lot of issue in the US concern with breastfeeding which needs to be taken care