The idea of unconditional love is one that gets referred to quite often in our society. In the media it usually appears in connection with a criminal who has committed a terrible crime – the grieving mother or father will appear on the talk shows and the news and say that no matter what their child has done, he or she is loved unconditionally. In TV shows and movies, a similar dynamic occurs in which a parent is put to the test in some awful, dramatic way, and the outcome is again that no matter what the offspring has done, the love is there and will remain there – forever. These are extreme cases that make for good TV, but what about in real life? Is unconditional love important in every day parenting, and is it really possible?
‘And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity’ John 15:13
Early childhood
When you are trying to do the best possible job of parenting you can with younger children, you have to set rules and discipline a child when those limits are not abided by. This can be very difficult for a parent who sees a child as innocent and wants to give him or her many chances, but real unconditional love demands it.
I remember when my daughter was caught lying at elementary school. When I found out that she was trying to cover up what she had done, I explained that I loved her no matter what she had done, but I didn’t love the behaviour. It was my job to love her in a way that gave her complete security, yet let her know that what she had done was unacceptable.
Sometimes it is difficult for a parent not to have negative feelings about a child when something like this happens, and that is completely normal. It is up to you to separate the person from the behaviour and give unconditional love, and to realize that the child will make mistakes and that the only way to learn is through that process.
Teenage years
Being a parent during the teenage period of your child’s life brings all kinds of challenges to the idea of unconditional love. You hope that your parenting has taught your teenager how to live and how to make good choices, but again, mistakes will be made. You may have done all the right things when your son or daughter was younger, but when the teen time hits, everything changes and your child turns into another person.
My daughter underwent such a transformation when she first got her period. It actually seemed as though one day I knew her, and the next day I didn’t. This is an extremely important time to practice unconditional love, because your teen will know the difference. And when that uncomfortable time has passed and your teen is maturing and making his or her own decisions, the love has to continue unconditionally. If you only show affection, understanding and love when she has done nothing wrong, then when the inevitable stumble comes along, they will see the failure on your part, and your relationship can suffer.
Also, often you have to be honest about how your teenager’s behaviour is making you feel. Are you embarrassed and ashamed wanting them to be and act a certain way? This can be difficult to confront and be honest about, but it can give you the freedom to allow your teenagers to be what and who they are, in their own skin instead of trying to keep you happy and as a result not be themselves.
Adult children
For most parents, it’s very tempting to think that your job will end when your child is finally an adult and has left your home. And of course in many ways it has – you are no longer responsible for the details of daily life – but you do assume a more distant, but no less important role. As an adviser to your adult child, your unconditional love comes into play every time you speak to him or her. You have to let the grown-up child know that your love is constant and predictable no matter what happens.
The most difficult situation at this stage is when there is some estrangement due to divorce, financial misunderstandings, or other real life events. Unconditional love on your part as a parent is put to the test, and it is absolutely important to practice it diligently. Your only hope for reconciliation is that your child comes to the realization that you have never stopped loving him or her.
I think that when our babies become adults and we have to completely reformat our relationship with our children it will be the hardest part of being a parent.
Separating the behavior from the child is difficult, but that’s what parents need to do. Otherwise children will have deep scars that can last a lifetime.